December 4, 2006
Logan Bachmann
It
was a warm and sunny day in the small town of Jenkins, Kansas, when the local
tailor and blacksmith Jurgen von Ǖber went out for an early morning walk.
”A wonderful morning as ever,” proclaimed Jurgen. Around the time Jurgen’s walk
entered its sixth minute a ninja named Greg burst from the shade and attempted
to devour Jurgen with his Jaws of cobalt-42. “Must we do this every time?”
asked Jurgen, “Yes. I need to practice my ninja skills so I can get on that
show Naruto!” responded Greg, “You know Naruto is an animated show about
pre-teen ninjas right?” “You lie! Naruto is a real show! With real people, and
I will get into that show!” When Greg finished his Naruto rant Jurgen was already
200 AU away from him. Jurgen soon entered teddy bear junction a.k.a. death
valley of doom; Jurgen was used to walking in this happy and joyous place so he
paid no attention on the column of armor vehicles approaching him from the
Northwest. The tanks stopped right before Jurgen and fired their main guns in
the general direction of Jurgen. To the tank’s surprise, Jurgen had a +1 mace
and quickly dispatched the armored vehicles; unaware of the shadowy figure
watching him from afar. For the next 5 minutes Jurgen was attacked by 3
different clans of Scotsmen, a Russian knight, and a giant midget. After the 5
engagements the shadowy figure revealed himself to Jurgen as the all-powerful
and knowing Wizard of Math. “Bow down and learn from my ever expanding knowledge!”
commanded the Wizard of Math, “Your ever expanding knowledge huh? Alright,
what’s the answer to this question? (1x2)/53,” “That’s easy. The answer is
200,000,000,000,000 Ω! Fool!” Jurgen was so unimpressed that he attempted
to leave, however he was intercepted by the Wizard of Math, “You try to run
from my knowledge? You shall be ever cursed with the terrible and,” the wizard
of math only got halfway through his sentence when Jurgen displayed the
ultimate math skill destroying weapon, a calculator. The powerful beams of
anti-math radiation caused the Math Wizard to lose all knowledge of math and
become a slave to the calculator. “I knew I could beat you!” shouted Jurgen as the
Math Wizard responded, “I will never be beaten!” Suddenly, the Math Wizard
returned fire with the holy book of math which promptly destroyed the
calculator. “See! You can never defeat my power, it is infinite!” snapped the
Wizard of Math, “Nothing is infinite except for the universe. And you are no
universe!” yelled Jurgen as he chucked 2 trillion calculators at the Wizard of
math. This combined assault destroyed the Wizard’s chance of recovering any of
the lost knowledge. “I cannot be defeated! I am a god! You won’t get away with
this!” “I believe I just did, imagine that, I defeated a god,” said Jurgen as
he began to walk home. The walk was long and boring until Jurgen was 2.56426 nm
from his house, at that exact moment Greg tried to surprise Jurgen with his
“ninja” skills but he only succeeded in face planting Jurgen's vinyl siding.
“Greg you never learn, ninjas still can’t phase through solid matter,” “Yes
they can! If Naruto can, then I can!” responded Greg. Jurgen quickly slammed
the door on Greg and bolted it shut and then welded it for good measure. Jurgen
went on to continue working as a tailor and blacksmith unaware of the large
shadowy figure watching him from afar…
©2006
Vladimir Publishing Company.